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05:32pm 24/06/2002
  To everyone who reads this journal:

This is Robby's friend AJ. It's very hard for me to have to tell 132 of you this, but Robby died in his sleep, early Sunday morning. He had been in hospital for a few months and slipped into a coma for his final two weeks. He died peacefully and his pain and suffering of his final months has finally come to a close.

I know for a fact that he cherished every single one of you. Some of you, he cherished even more than his everyday friends. He loves you all and from looking at all your beautiful comments left to him with each post, it seems as if he touched your lives as well. Please, if you would, keep him listed as a friend on your journals. It would mean alot to him if he was remembered and kept in all your hearts.

If you want to chat or have any question, please email JustLikeGlass@aol.com, as I will be checking it daily for him. To all of you, I'm sorry you have lost such a beautiful friend. He was beyond wonderful and now, will always remain perfect.<3 xx

(98 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

01:00pm 04/06/2002
  Sigh...ja so does anyone have an extra Lj code for little ole me? I would be enternally grateful..  

(4 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

There Must Be Peace   
11:17am 29/05/2002
mood: aggravated
The world can be mercilessly cruel on the odd, day.

You had me in utter hysterics, when you told me that you cared.

(5 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

You'd Make Such An Exquisite Corpse   
08:25pm 21/05/2002
mood: blank
My ex-boyfriend and true love died of AIDS last Wednesday. He suffered with it for 8 years, passing it onto me during the second. And I had no qualms about that. He didn't know, and I was foolish.

I loved him and he's gone. Now where am I?

I stopped taking my medicine 3 days ago. I can't afford it. And besides that, it only prolongs the pain and does not cure anything.

I'm not quite sure where I am moving on to. But I know that at least he'll be there. And where Ben is, home is. I look forward to seeing some beauty for once. I have been seeing in greys for much too long.

(19 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

Get Up, Get Up   
08:49pm 06/05/2002
mood: frustrated
There's pieces of broken skin and dried blood beneath my fingernails.

Clawing my way out didn't seem to work. I'm still hostage, still prisoner to this lifeless body of decay. The stench of rot and deterioration is clouding my senses, smothering my sense of self, fucking with my sanity.

For every ribbon of red slowly decending down my cheek tonight, I have a dozen tears to match. There is no sweet, unrelentless mercy for those who appear to be damned.

Lend me beauty. Save me from this encasement of flesh that may as well be my grave.

(13 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

I'm Going To Kill Them All With My Hammer   
09:11pm 03/05/2002
mood: thoughtful
It's fucked up. Suddenly all I want to do is get married. Just to see what it's like. And then more than likely, break up, laugh about how absurd it was, and then love each other even more through our absence.

Late nights can make you think in such strange ways.

(13 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

Cheap Cigarettes Still Give You Lung Cancer   
03:18pm 26/04/2002
mood: crystallized and solid
My best friend has been online all day, since 10 this morning. Being the lame outsider I am, I have been online all day since then as well. And 5 hours later, I still can't think of a single sentence to say to him.

It's funny how quickly you can lose touch with someone. When once they were a pumping chamber of your heart, they're suddenly nothing but foreign bacteria in your blood stream. You don't recognize them. You don't identify with their kharma anymore. You can no longer respond to their meager comforts. Their symbolism is empty, and so are you.

Deprived of emotion, I have nothing left to offer him.

For those who have people who love you, hold them close and don't let go. Let them breathe your stale air, share one heartbeat, plot with just a single mind. Never let another person violate or dissuade you apart. They're much too precious, to let go.

It's a true pity when a colorful soul dries to fallen ashes.

(18 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

Keep Revenge Away   
12:07am 25/04/2002
mood: frustrated
Some people are going to bitch and moan about this. That's fine.

But I just remembered now, how fucking anti-Rocky Horror Midnight Saturday Show, I am. God that show enrages me. All it does is degrade and violate people in front of hundreds as they're "de-virginized". And the worst part is, people are oppressed into thinking it's all good and part of the fun because "Hey! It's Rocky Horror! That means it's okay!"

No. It's sad people are so brain washed as to think that. Music can be fun. But don't let a bunch of amateur teenagers in costume (who just need a weekend job), violate and embarass you in front of people, just so you can be "cool". Have more respect for yourself. You're worth more than just a couple of cheap laughs.

(29 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

12:35pm 12/04/2002
mood: cynical
I'm back, do you care?
I have a new life.

A new home.
A new girlfriend.
A new journal layout.
A new outlook on everything.
Including you.

(26 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

It's Happening Again   
09:35pm 26/03/2002
mood: enthralled
He's really starting to grow on me now. I realize this with each time he calls to check on me; and talks sweetly in my ear. Suddenly I can't get enough.
I yearn to feel him beneath my skin; licking, kissing, clawing his way out so he can breathe into my face and melt into my mouth like a bitter sweet candy with the intention to kill. I need those tainted touches that once I could do without, but now yearn for with every fiber of my being. I hate that he's so far away. I hate how he's brought back every emotion which I so skillfully had forgotten. I hate myself for being weak, insatiably romantic, a sickening nobody.

I pierced myself a new hole just for you..and I can't quite describe the tingles that ran down me, when you said you in fact, approved.

(9 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

09:15pm 23/03/2002
mood: angry
You make me chilled to the very core.
Do you really think I am that selfish?
Backstabbing a best friend to satisfy another isn't my idea of fun.
It isn't my idea of pleasure. Or humanity.

You can take my heart and break it a thousand times.
And weep at my wounds which have yet to ever heal.
But you have yet to own the power, of destroying a word called "love".

So manipulative and complacent; your spirit beneath that smile.
You cannot take him away from her.
You cannot rob eternity of time.

(6 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

Cushion My Concrete Heart   
10:27pm 20/03/2002
mood: confused
Some of you may possibly disagree and feel insulted by this. And that is okay.

I must have opened my eyes to a new world.
A different day, a different year, different rules.
I wasn't ever knowing of such commitments.
Since when is just sleeping with someone, automatically a full relationship?
I bargained to satisfy, to take, and to touch...but not to love.
I think love is something special...beautiful...rare.
You claim it's building up, and becoming intense.
I must be a monstrous person.
Because I only see with my libido and not my heart.
I'm sorry that I am destroying you.

.I don't know why I constantly build bridges, just to burn them down again.

(5 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

Congested Breath   
07:51pm 19/03/2002
mood: depressed
.Pick off each one of my scabs.
.Oxidate my inner flesh.
.Discover me some inner peace.
.Make me beautiful.

(23 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

2 Always Makes 1 In the End   
12:05am 17/03/2002
mood: listless
It was the way your hands had swept so gracefully across my back; your nails digging deep into my flesh as your mouth tainted every part of me. That's what made me leave your hotel room, punching the wall of the hallway as hard as I could, and falling down in a crumpled heap of bitter tears because I can still barely walk. Physical exertion frightens me.

I was reminded of all that has been lost to me. What got me here in the first place. This damned, dirty, British city with it's disease ridden buildings, white hallways, squeaky clean, hygienic persons walking from room to room. They needed gloves to touch me...poker faces to speak to me...needles to soothe me from my pain.

They promised they would treat me, help me, cure me. I allowed them to fill me up with their damn medicines, chemicals running through me as thin pieces of metal impaled my skin. I lied there as I let them shine radiation down onto my body, always looking and searching for something they always knew was there. Nothing ever changed. I let them mutilate my body; cutting me up only to sew me back together again and say that there was nothing to see. I love how they took pieces of my tissue, pints of my blood, the life of my spirit. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

What he gave me last night, was beautiful. 7 years ago, I was also given a night of beauty. One that changed my life, and robbed me of everything today. When at one time I could be with someone and give them something special, I have nothing left to hand anyone anymore. Just pain and slow, unmerciful death. Who wants to be first in line for this handout?

Wave me goodbye.flicker.and fade.

(37 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

This Is For Him. I Love You. I'm Glad You Are Alright   
06:16pm 14/03/2002
mood: relieved
Driving. Speeding up just a little faster as the wind rushes by, blowing tassled hair and long lashes, as gentle dust from the open window brushes your chap-sticked lips. Your mind humming and whistling, flashing in rays of color and haze, figures dancing, screaming, hitting one another until your tears stream down that dry, flawless face; leaving ribbons of salty rejection, sorrow stained elixer as it melts off your chin and falls down. And through your swollen eyes you see that brown barricade, hulking and inviting not 20 feet before you, flying it's way towards you like some sickening guilt that haunts you throughout every nightmare, and every bad memory passed. Pedal pressed down hard, heel to the floor, let's go a little faster. A scar on your wrist, dirty, unkept fingernails, digging deep into that downy suade of your steering wheel cover. Knuckles white with anticipation as your sobbing emits frustrated cries and gasps that escape your lips and bounce off the thin glass that shields you. Your own breath blows hot in your face as the memories race by.. Pain, hate, pain, hate, pain, hate. It fills your head until your chests wants to scream and it heaves in the anticipation of finally being relieved of it's burden of clutching all of your hurt deep inside a now weakened heart. Scarred, broken. The wall is only 10 feet away, eyes too blurry to see as your mind spins out of control and let's go of every last promise and detail it once held dear, embracing the darkness, welcoming new light, at last letting go. Preparing to move on. Suddenly you're drifting, powerless against yourself as the direction turns and you find yourself looking instead towards the darkened cloudy sky. And the thunder of metal beside you, crunching, compacting itself into a mass of fragmented dreams and reality, awakens you from your delirious state as the sky spins before you, mixing with the ground, the cars, the wall...spinning, turning, falling until the final screech. You're thrown to the side, head hitting metal, neck snapping backwards like some crash test dummy on a lonely strip of operation course. And it is then that you find peace. Lying there, battered and torn. Still very much alive.

Did your life flash before your eyes, my friend? Did you see the heavens, the earth, the fire all blend into one disillusioned mass as that crash deafened and abused your body, showing you for the mere mortal you are? Did you see colors, light? A tunnel laid out before you filled with the people of your past? Did you see her? Did you see me? Did you see...god? Or were you just too afraid? Not ready to move on, to give in, to throw your life down like a losing hand of cards on a green, smoke scented table.

You saw your pain and you matched it with anger. But what really won the battle was that fear. That love still inside you, unwilling to let go and die forgotten and abused. You said yourself you feel forgotten and abused. So why bring that upon the love still burning inside you, racing rampantly through every pulsing vein and fiber of your being? Both forgotten and abused. You are love. You are what makes people feel so special and alive. You make us all live with purpose and hope and laughter. Not even that brick wall or crunched car could tear you away from us, stripping us of meaning and purpose. Love prevails always. And so do you; still breathing, heart still pumping, still feeling and being and growing. Feeding those who love you with the most gracious and powerful sensations one can give.

You thought that bricks could save you. You thought wrong. Look who's still here, helping us move on.

(12 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

I'm Just Another Worthless Parasitic Human   
02:33pm 13/03/2002
mood: loved
I would like to meet some more beautiful people. I feel as if everyone has so much to give and say and educate, I am not experiencing enough of it.

Can you recommend some journals owned by these such beauties, that I can take some time out to read?

In a world of confusion, solitude, and regret, I have at last found the one person that makes it all seem worthwhile. The flash of green spectrum at sundown, the dry land at times of high tide, the embrace in a time of panic...my angel. My salvation. My reflection.
I love you "jim jammy".

(15 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

Boredom Like Hunger   
09:07pm 06/03/2002
mood: bored
Physical appearance
What do you most like about your body? do my piercings count?
And least? my eyes
How many fillings do you have? dude like 7
Do you think you're good looking? average i guess
Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking? yeah all the time
Do you look like any celebrities? I don't think so? The most recent one is Stephen Trask from Hedwig

Do you wear a watch? on some days
How many coats and jackets do you own? Only like 3
Favorite pants/skirt color? color pants? Black
most expensive item of clothing? Probably anything Rigley bought me. I'm guessing my black leather trench coat
Most treasured? any of my platforms!!!! They're are my babies
What kind of shoes do you wear? Platform, knee high boots
Describe your style in one word - transgender

Your friends
Do your friends 'know' you? Depends on the friend. A great number of them really don't
What do they tend to be like? independent, eccentric individuals
Are there traits in you that are universally liked? yeah, i'm told i'm good looking and funny. I guess
How many people do you tell everything to? like 4 people.
How many people tell you everything? Oh my god, like hundreds, literally. Apparently I'm good at listening or something

It's a short survey. The rest is here, for the curiousCollapse )

(12 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

What It Truly Means   
11:36pm 02/03/2002
mood: grateful
Still breathing in an illusion so savage...wishing to drift in meaningless slumber to a place where the sun bled grapefruits and sweet cherry lips, which licked the wine right out of a sea of drunken tears once shed. I thought that if perhaps I held my breath, the universe would collapse and the light spectrum would flicker a final shade of orange, blinding these tired eyes; forever imprinting the silhouettes of neglected pain on these thick lids that shield me...from ultra violet rays, nothing more.

I thought I would simply drown in this haze, somewhere between living and reality. But I felt that tedious burning, somewhere deep inside my chest, and I realized that I had to soon come up for air. Another breath of impurity. But breaking through those selfish waves of past regrets and undeserved luxuries, the beauty of it all was reflected to me in waves of crystallized sunlight. And through the ripples I caught sight of the magnificant, and I realized what the world truly meant.

I thank you, all of you who dared to care for me last night. If you hadn't of been mere light reflections in that otherwise merciless water, I would have kissed each one of you hard, and shared with you this newfound knowledge of grace.

I love you.

(17 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

Fuck it All   
10:54pm 01/03/2002
mood: morose
It's a perfect night to kill myself.

(25 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)

Oh No   
10:37pm 28/02/2002
mood: nervous
When he's this pissed off, all the masses have got a big problem. The whole world is going to go under. He hates every last person right now. He hates us all.

(3 picked at my scabes | beauty comes with battle)