Long Since Deflowered

novacancy69@aol.com — Mon, 24 Jun 2002 21:44:27 GMT

To everyone who reads this journal:

This is Robby's friend AJ. It's very hard for me to have to tell 132 of you this, but Robby died in his sleep, early Sunday morning. He had been in hospital for a few months and slipped into a coma for his final two weeks. He died peacefully and his pain and suffering of his final months has finally come to a close.

I know for a fact that he cherished every single one of you. Some of you, he cherished even more than his everyday friends. He loves you all and from looking at all your beautiful comments left to him with each post, it seems as if he touched your lives as well. Please, if you would, keep him listed as a friend on your journals. It would mean alot to him if he was remembered and kept in all your hearts.

If you want to chat or have any question, please email JustLikeGlass@aol.com, as I will be checking it daily for him. To all of you, I'm sorry you have lost such a beautiful friend. He was beyond wonderful and now, will always remain perfect.<3 xx

novacancy69@aol.com — Tue, 04 Jun 2002 18:02:49 GMT

Sigh...ja so does anyone have an extra Lj code for little ole me? I would be enternally grateful..

There Must Be Peace

novacancy69@aol.com — Wed, 29 May 2002 15:16:38 GMT

The world can be mercilessly cruel on the odd, day.

You had me in utter hysterics, when you told me that you cared.

You'd Make Such An Exquisite Corpse

novacancy69@aol.com — Wed, 22 May 2002 00:31:53 GMT

My ex-boyfriend and true love died of AIDS last Wednesday. He suffered with it for 8 years, passing it onto me during the second. And I had no qualms about that. He didn't know, and I was foolish.

I loved him and he's gone. Now where am I?

I stopped taking my medicine 3 days ago. I can't afford it. And besides that, it only prolongs the pain and does not cure anything.

I'm not quite sure where I am moving on to. But I know that at least he'll be there. And where Ben is, home is. I look forward to seeing some beauty for once. I have been seeing in greys for much too long.

Get Up, Get Up

novacancy69@aol.com — Tue, 07 May 2002 00:58:57 GMT

There's pieces of broken skin and dried blood beneath my fingernails.

Clawing my way out didn't seem to work. I'm still hostage, still prisoner to this lifeless body of decay. The stench of rot and deterioration is clouding my senses, smothering my sense of self, fucking with my sanity.

For every ribbon of red slowly decending down my cheek tonight, I have a dozen tears to match. There is no sweet, unrelentless mercy for those who appear to be damned.

Lend me beauty. Save me from this encasement of flesh that may as well be my grave.

I'm Going To Kill Them All With My Hammer

novacancy69@aol.com — Sat, 04 May 2002 01:16:46 GMT

It's fucked up. Suddenly all I want to do is get married. Just to see what it's like. And then more than likely, break up, laugh about how absurd it was, and then love each other even more through our absence.

Late nights can make you think in such strange ways.

Cheap Cigarettes Still Give You Lung Cancer

novacancy69@aol.com — Fri, 26 Apr 2002 19:30:57 GMT

My best friend has been online all day, since 10 this morning. Being the lame outsider I am, I have been online all day since then as well. And 5 hours later, I still can't think of a single sentence to say to him.

It's funny how quickly you can lose touch with someone. When once they were a pumping chamber of your heart, they're suddenly nothing but foreign bacteria in your blood stream. You don't recognize them. You don't identify with their kharma anymore. You can no longer respond to their meager comforts. Their symbolism is empty, and so are you.

Deprived of emotion, I have nothing left to offer him.

For those who have people who love you, hold them close and don't let go. Let them breathe your stale air, share one heartbeat, plot with just a single mind. Never let another person violate or dissuade you apart. They're much too precious, to let go.

It's a true pity when a colorful soul dries to fallen ashes.

Keep Revenge Away

novacancy69@aol.com — Thu, 25 Apr 2002 04:15:01 GMT

Some people are going to bitch and moan about this. That's fine.

But I just remembered now, how fucking anti-Rocky Horror Midnight Saturday Show, I am. God that show enrages me. All it does is degrade and violate people in front of hundreds as they're "de-virginized". And the worst part is, people are oppressed into thinking it's all good and part of the fun because "Hey! It's Rocky Horror! That means it's okay!"

No. It's sad people are so brain washed as to think that. Music can be fun. But don't let a bunch of amateur teenagers in costume (who just need a weekend job), violate and embarass you in front of people, just so you can be "cool". Have more respect for yourself. You're worth more than just a couple of cheap laughs.

Everynight

novacancy69@aol.com — Fri, 12 Apr 2002 17:42:21 GMT

I'm back, do you care?
I have a new life.

A new home.
A new girlfriend.
A new journal layout.
A new outlook on everything.
Including you.

It's Happening Again

novacancy69@aol.com — Wed, 27 Mar 2002 02:47:11 GMT

He's really starting to grow on me now. I realize this with each time he calls to check on me; and talks sweetly in my ear. Suddenly I can't get enough.
I yearn to feel him beneath my skin; licking, kissing, clawing his way out so he can breathe into my face and melt into my mouth like a bitter sweet candy with the intention to kill. I need those tainted touches that once I could do without, but now yearn for with every fiber of my being. I hate that he's so far away. I hate how he's brought back every emotion which I so skillfully had forgotten. I hate myself for being weak, insatiably romantic, a sickening nobody.

I pierced myself a new hole just for you..and I can't quite describe the tingles that ran down me, when you said you in fact, approved.

Flickering

novacancy69@aol.com — Sun, 24 Mar 2002 02:23:49 GMT

You make me chilled to the very core.
Do you really think I am that selfish?
Backstabbing a best friend to satisfy another isn't my idea of fun.
It isn't my idea of pleasure. Or humanity.

You can take my heart and break it a thousand times.
And weep at my wounds which have yet to ever heal.
But you have yet to own the power, of destroying a word called "love".

So manipulative and complacent; your spirit beneath that smile.
But
You cannot take him away from her.
You cannot rob eternity of time.

Cushion My Concrete Heart

novacancy69@aol.com — Thu, 21 Mar 2002 03:29:24 GMT

Some of you may possibly disagree and feel insulted by this. And that is okay.

I must have opened my eyes to a new world.
A different day, a different year, different rules.
I wasn't ever knowing of such commitments.
Since when is just sleeping with someone, automatically a full relationship?
I bargained to satisfy, to take, and to touch...but not to love.
I think love is something special...beautiful...rare.
You claim it's building up, and becoming intense.
I must be a monstrous person.
Because I only see with my libido and not my heart.
I'm sorry that I am destroying you.

.I don't know why I constantly build bridges, just to burn them down again.

Congested Breath

novacancy69@aol.com — Wed, 20 Mar 2002 00:54:29 GMT

.Pick off each one of my scabs.
.Oxidate my inner flesh.
.Discover me some inner peace.
.Make me beautiful.

2 Always Makes 1 In the End

novacancy69@aol.com — Sun, 17 Mar 2002 05:25:22 GMT

It was the way your hands had swept so gracefully across my back; your nails digging deep into my flesh as your mouth tainted every part of me. That's what made me leave your hotel room, punching the wall of the hallway as hard as I could, and falling down in a crumpled heap of bitter tears because I can still barely walk. Physical exertion frightens me.

I was reminded of all that has been lost to me. What got me here in the first place. This damned, dirty, British city with it's disease ridden buildings, white hallways, squeaky clean, hygienic persons walking from room to room. They needed gloves to touch me...poker faces to speak to me...needles to soothe me from my pain.

They promised they would treat me, help me, cure me. I allowed them to fill me up with their damn medicines, chemicals running through me as thin pieces of metal impaled my skin. I lied there as I let them shine radiation down onto my body, always looking and searching for something they always knew was there. Nothing ever changed. I let them mutilate my body; cutting me up only to sew me back together again and say that there was nothing to see. I love how they took pieces of my tissue, pints of my blood, the life of my spirit. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

What he gave me last night, was beautiful. 7 years ago, I was also given a night of beauty. One that changed my life, and robbed me of everything today. When at one time I could be with someone and give them something special, I have nothing left to hand anyone anymore. Just pain and slow, unmerciful death. Who wants to be first in line for this handout?

Wave me goodbye.flicker.and fade.

This Is For Him. I Love You. I'm Glad You Are Alright

novacancy69@aol.com — Thu, 14 Mar 2002 23:18:23 GMT

Driving. Speeding up just a little faster as the wind rushes by, blowing tassled hair and long lashes, as gentle dust from the open window brushes your chap-sticked lips. Your mind humming and whistling, flashing in rays of color and haze, figures dancing, screaming, hitting one another until your tears stream down that dry, flawless face; leaving ribbons of salty rejection, sorrow stained elixer as it melts off your chin and falls down. And through your swollen eyes you see that brown barricade, hulking and inviting not 20 feet before you, flying it's way towards you like some sickening guilt that haunts you throughout every nightmare, and every bad memory passed. Pedal pressed down hard, heel to the floor, let's go a little faster. A scar on your wrist, dirty, unkept fingernails, digging deep into that downy suade of your steering wheel cover. Knuckles white with anticipation as your sobbing emits frustrated cries and gasps that escape your lips and bounce off the thin glass that shields you. Your own breath blows hot in your face as the memories race by.. Pain, hate, pain, hate, pain, hate. It fills your head until your chests wants to scream and it heaves in the anticipation of finally being relieved of it's burden of clutching all of your hurt deep inside a now weakened heart. Scarred, broken. The wall is only 10 feet away, eyes too blurry to see as your mind spins out of control and let's go of every last promise and detail it once held dear, embracing the darkness, welcoming new light, at last letting go. Preparing to move on. Suddenly you're drifting, powerless against yourself as the direction turns and you find yourself looking instead towards the darkened cloudy sky. And the thunder of metal beside you, crunching, compacting itself into a mass of fragmented dreams and reality, awakens you from your delirious state as the sky spins before you, mixing with the ground, the cars, the wall...spinning, turning, falling until the final screech. You're thrown to the side, head hitting metal, neck snapping backwards like some crash test dummy on a lonely strip of operation course. And it is then that you find peace. Lying there, battered and torn. Still very much alive.

Did your life flash before your eyes, my friend? Did you see the heavens, the earth, the fire all blend into one disillusioned mass as that crash deafened and abused your body, showing you for the mere mortal you are? Did you see colors, light? A tunnel laid out before you filled with the people of your past? Did you see her? Did you see me? Did you see...god? Or were you just too afraid? Not ready to move on, to give in, to throw your life down like a losing hand of cards on a green, smoke scented table.

You saw your pain and you matched it with anger. But what really won the battle was that fear. That love still inside you, unwilling to let go and die forgotten and abused. You said yourself you feel forgotten and abused. So why bring that upon the love still burning inside you, racing rampantly through every pulsing vein and fiber of your being? Both forgotten and abused. You are love. You are what makes people feel so special and alive. You make us all live with purpose and hope and laughter. Not even that brick wall or crunched car could tear you away from us, stripping us of meaning and purpose. Love prevails always. And so do you; still breathing, heart still pumping, still feeling and being and growing. Feeding those who love you with the most gracious and powerful sensations one can give.

You thought that bricks could save you. You thought wrong. Look who's still here, helping us move on.

I'm Just Another Worthless Parasitic Human

novacancy69@aol.com — Wed, 13 Mar 2002 19:37:50 GMT

I would like to meet some more beautiful people. I feel as if everyone has so much to give and say and educate, I am not experiencing enough of it.

Can you recommend some journals owned by these such beauties, that I can take some time out to read?

In a world of confusion, solitude, and regret, I have at last found the one person that makes it all seem worthwhile. The flash of green spectrum at sundown, the dry land at times of high tide, the embrace in a time of panic...my angel. My salvation. My reflection.
I love you "jim jammy".

Boredom Like Hunger

novacancy69@aol.com — Thu, 07 Mar 2002 02:11:39 GMT

Physical appearance
What do you most like about your body? do my piercings count?
And least? my eyes
How many fillings do you have? dude like 7
Do you think you're good looking? average i guess
Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking? yeah all the time
Do you look like any celebrities? I don't think so? The most recent one is Stephen Trask from Hedwig

Fashion
Do you wear a watch? on some days
How many coats and jackets do you own? Only like 3
Favorite pants/skirt color? color pants? Black
most expensive item of clothing? Probably anything Rigley bought me. I'm guessing my black leather trench coat
Most treasured? any of my platforms!!!! They're are my babies
What kind of shoes do you wear? Platform, knee high boots
Describe your style in one word - transgender

Your friends
Do your friends 'know' you? Depends on the friend. A great number of them really don't
What do they tend to be like? independent, eccentric individuals
Are there traits in you that are universally liked? yeah, i'm told i'm good looking and funny. I guess
How many people do you tell everything to? like 4 people.
How many people tell you everything? Oh my god, like hundreds, literally. Apparently I'm good at listening or something

Love
Are you in a relationship right now? not really. I really want one with someone though
Rate it on a scale from 1-10: I'm miserable now. Thanks for reminding me I have no one
How 'far' have you been? Look at why I'm in this godforesaken hospital room and YOU tell me how far I've gone
What song reminds you of your special someone? hmm I'm really not sure. A bunch of random ones
Have you ever loved a person so much that it hurt? yes that is were I am now
How many people do you say 'i love you' to on a daily basis? Like 6 people, consistently
Have you ever cheated on your significant other? Nope
If not, would you ever if given the chance with the guy/girl of your dreams? No, but they would be the first person I ran to when I did break up lol

Music/TV/Film/Books
Favorite band ever? Bikini Kill? My old band? lol
Most listened to bands - Bikini Kill, NIN, Manson, Jack Off Jill, My Ruin, Tool
Do you find any musicians good-looking? Doesn't everyone? Dear God there's some gorgeous ones
Can you play an instrument? bass, guitar, and some drums
Type of music most listened to? heavy, industrial
Type never listened to? country, blue grass, hip hop
Favorite book? the satanic verse

Underwear
Ladies, do you like to wear thongs? I'm not a girl, but hell, I own some
If so why? Do you find them comfortable? I think they're kewl
Boxers or Briefs? briefs
Are ladies boxers attractive? not really
What is the nicest colour for underwear? black, transparent or red
Do you find it uncomfortable without a bra? i....don't....know?
Do your bras fit properly? Hey nonny nonny
Do you ever wear a vest? uh no
Do you make it a habit of showing people your underwear? hehe to a lucky few, yeah

Religion
Do you detest religion? no, I'm big on paganism
How do you think this universe was formed (explain in detail)? That would take forever to type and I'm not ready for that challenge lol
If you currently follow a religion, do you think people who belong to another religion are ignorant? Definitely not. I think it's great that people have different religions. It adds color to a world that is much too black and white
If you were in a hostage situation, and you were given a choice, to either praise the demon they follow or die, what would you choose? Praise the demon...I could always cross my fingers as I did it hehe

Homosexuality
What is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands? I see that almost everyday. I am a gay man who spent the good portion of my life living in the village in NYC. It's ordinary to see that now
Do you detest homesexuality? No, considering I'm a homosexual
Do you agree or disagree with gay or lesbian couples bringing up children? I'm cool with it and I know people who are doing it. The kids are turning out just fine

General Questions
Whom do you believe is the smartest man alive at the moment? Rigley. And I will never change my mind about that
What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day? cloudy, no rain
Do you consider yourself lucky? How so or how not so? In some senses. I'm unlucky when you look at my life and all the things that went wrong. But I'm very lucky to have been holding on this long, despite having such bad health.
Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide? No, I sympathize
Choose one word to describe how you feel most often - overlooked

What It Truly Means

novacancy69@aol.com — Sun, 03 Mar 2002 04:54:48 GMT

Still breathing in an illusion so savage...wishing to drift in meaningless slumber to a place where the sun bled grapefruits and sweet cherry lips, which licked the wine right out of a sea of drunken tears once shed. I thought that if perhaps I held my breath, the universe would collapse and the light spectrum would flicker a final shade of orange, blinding these tired eyes; forever imprinting the silhouettes of neglected pain on these thick lids that shield me...from ultra violet rays, nothing more.

I thought I would simply drown in this haze, somewhere between living and reality. But I felt that tedious burning, somewhere deep inside my chest, and I realized that I had to soon come up for air. Another breath of impurity. But breaking through those selfish waves of past regrets and undeserved luxuries, the beauty of it all was reflected to me in waves of crystallized sunlight. And through the ripples I caught sight of the magnificant, and I realized what the world truly meant.

I thank you, all of you who dared to care for me last night. If you hadn't of been mere light reflections in that otherwise merciless water, I would have kissed each one of you hard, and shared with you this newfound knowledge of grace.

I love you.

Fuck it All

novacancy69@aol.com — Sat, 02 Mar 2002 03:55:32 GMT

It's a perfect night to kill myself.

Oh No

novacancy69@aol.com — Fri, 01 Mar 2002 03:39:16 GMT

When he's this pissed off, all the masses have got a big problem. The whole world is going to go under. He hates every last person right now. He hates us all.

Bleach In My Eyes, Salt On My Wounds

novacancy69@aol.com — Thu, 28 Feb 2002 02:15:17 GMT

1. Your LiveJournal "user name": deathbystoning

Explain what it means: to be stoned to death for a heinous act

2. The "name" that you chose to use (if not your USER name): long since deflowered

3. Explain how you picked/why you selected the user picture(s) that you have? because they're pix of me

- The Stats -

4. Date of survey (because things will change as soon as you finish it): 2-28-02
Account type: free
Friends (#): 131
Friends of (#): 131
Communities (#): 9
Memories (#): 0
Journal entries: 67
Comments posted: doesn't say anymore
Received: 1,051....damn
Gando totalos of: a big number <-- yup

- Your Journal -

5. Why do you have a Journal page? so I could type stuff and share my ideas

Do you have a Journal page for yourself, your friends, strangers to know you, and/or everyone? just for everyone to come and check out my life. i like meeting new people

6. Why did you pick LiveJournal (LJ) over another service or handwriting? because my friend told me to get one hehe

7. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) how well does your LiveJournal represent who you actually are? 9...although i don't get specific about my life...just my thoughts and feelings

8. How do you think your LJ represents you the most...
Factually: good
Emotionally: very good
Intellectually: good
Sexually: good
Religiously: not so good
Artistically: good

9. How much about your life do you post to LJ? a good amount, but it's all told through memories and emotion

Is there anything you refuse to post about? the one who broke my heart

10. On a scale of 1-10 how interesting do you think your own journal is to others? hmm...like 7? am i being conceited?

11. From who/how did you find out about LJ? from Jamie

12. Has anyone ever joined LJ because of you? yeah, well I helped Rach get one lol

13. How long have you been a member of LJ? only since 10-1-01

14. How often do you post to LJ? not alot. it takes alot outta me. maybe like every 2 weeks

15. What proportion of your posts are friends only? only a couple of them were

16. What is your favorite interest on LJ? hmm i don't know

17....is gone

18. Have you ever learned anything new on LJ? i guess ways to make it look cool

19. Has anything on LJ ever caused you to establish, rethink, or even change your belief or position on something? nope i'm pretty set in my ways hehe

20. How often do you respond / comment on other peoples journals? not a whole lot because i never have time really. And i'm sooo sorry for that you guys.

21. Do you prefer to write in your Journal, read other Journals, respond to others entries, or get responses to your entries? write in my journal. It releases so much pain and tension for me

22. What's the longest you've gone without posting to LJ since the day you signed up? 11 days i guess

23. What's the longest you've gone without reading LJ since you discovered it? aa mad mad mad mad long time

24. What is your favorite post you've ever made to LJ? i don't have a fave. they all have special meanings to me

25. What is your favorite post you've ever read on LJ? the same goes for this

26. What's the weirdest or funniest thing you've seen on LJ? lol waaay too many things <-- yeah

27. Have you ever specifically asked a question for people to reply to in your Journal? alllll the time when I first started writing in here. You guys remember that?

28. Have you ever tried to play the "trace yourself back through friends from a random LJ user"? yep! and i found myself pretty quickly. Funny how you get around!

29. Have you ever played the "add a sentence to my post" game? no....and don't give me anymore ideas hehe

30. Have you ever lied/fibbed in your journal? definitely not. That's lame...sorry, sorrry all you people who do. I speak for myself

31. Have you ever had something mean said to you or been stalked, harassed, or got into an argument/flame war on LJ (or did it to someone else)? that's why i stopped anonymous posting for awhile

32. Have you ever banned someone from your Journal? nope, i didn't even know you could! learn new things everyday i guess..

33. Has LiveJournal had any significant impact on your life? It's allowed me to meet the most beautiful and precious people I have ever known. People who truly care. *muah* I love you guys so much

- Friends -

34. Who are your favorite LJ friend(s) and why? As if I could choose. All of you, because you complete me

35. How many of your LJ friends are your friends in "real life" and who are they? Rigley, Jamie, Kaitlin

36. How many of your LJ friends have you actually met and who are they? all of the above of course, and these beautiful people...
Rigley, Jamie, Anne, John

37. Have you ever e-mailed or I.M.'d someone you found on LJ? No they always come running to me...hehe j/k

38. Of all of the people on LJ you know of, who is the most like you? I can relate to each one of them for different reasons. I don't think one person outweighs the other.

~x~ I cut out these questions because I found them biased and partial to particular people, which isn't fair ~x~

42. How do you usually find new friends on LJ? I find them through other people's journals and then alot add me as a friend first

43. Why are you most likely to add someone to your friends list?I add them if they add me. I am interested in meeting new people and I figure I will learn something from them, no matter what their journal is like.

44. Do you automatically add friends to your journal if they add you first? You bet

What is the most likely reason you wouldn't add someone to your friends list? If they were some asshole taking me for a ride

45. Do you care if someone adds you to his or her friends list if you add him or her first? no

46. Are there any people's Journals (users / friends), communities, interests, or searches you frequent on LiveJournal that you don't or will not list in your user info page? no i'm open about everything....you should be<-- I totally agree James

- More than Friends on LJ -

47. Is your "Significant Other" on LJ? yep

If not, do they know you post on LJ? they know

48. Other than your S.O., who are you the most attracted to on LJ? holy fucking shit, that would be half the people on my friends list! I'm the little whore that everybody knows ;0)

49. Who is the sexiest person you know on LJ? Look at my friends list, and you decide....but I think that my best friend Rigs takes the cake

50. Have you ever fantasized about someone on LJ? um hello....yeah. Multiple times

51. Would you want to know if someone fantasized about you on LJ? YES. Any stories for me my pretties? Direct them to the comments section of this post!! tee hee hee

52. Would you date someone you met on LJ? Definitely.

53. Have you ever wanted to meet someone on LJ? Almost all of you

54. Have you ever actually met someone from LJ romantically (or otherwise) and hit it off (or not)? Not unless I knew them before they were on lj, no

55. Have you ever posted a naughty picture / post / story on LJ? I guess so

- Technical LiveJournal -

56. Do you prefer to post from a Client or the Web Interface? The usual nonsense

57. Do you use HTML to add extras to your entries? yep

58. Is your LJ page customized (at all - even from template), template, or default? Yeah, and I'm getting very bored of it! Someone help me with a new layout!

59. Do you usually use the WinAmp music detector, add you music manually, or none at all? I didn't even know you could play music on here...show's how much I care, right?

60. How well do you know the LJ features and how to use it? Well I thought I knew it well until you pulled this whole music bullshit on me hehe

61. What is your favorite LJ feature? It's all about the friends page, man

62. What is your least favorite LJ feature (one that you would change or delete if you could)? You should be able to block certain people from your journal entirely...that would be perfect

63. What feature would you most like to see added to LJ? more user pics so i can see all your pretty faces <3

64. What moods would you most like to see added to LJ? sick of the world, suicidal, homocidal....shit like that

65. "One day the directory will work again." How long until you believe until that day will come? Bullshit. I'll believe it when lj works for a change

66. On a scale of 1-100, rate the LJ for convenience, usefulness, and coolness factor:
Convenience: 80
Usefulness: 95
Coolness: 99

- Miscellaneous -

67. How many other surveys have you done on LJ? a couple...there's nothing else to do

68. How does this survey compare to those? this one was pretty cool. Didn't get bored of it like I usually do because I had to think more. ALl the others are usually basic facts that you know right off the top of your head

69. Do you think this last question was added solely to get to this number or not? Please don't put anymore ideas in my head tonight!!!

Peaches

novacancy69@aol.com — Fri, 22 Feb 2002 19:10:08 GMT

Um, does anyone have an extra lj code they can do without?
*smiles ever so sweetly*

I'd Rather You Never Heard My Voice

novacancy69@aol.com — Thu, 21 Feb 2002 22:17:49 GMT

I'm genuinely in love. And it's with a girl. I don't know how to handle this. I have never felt something this strong towards a girl before. It's rare that I have even felt this strongly towards men. But I can't deny this feeling anymore. No more covering it up and locking it away. A slap in the face, it's real.

I don't think a person has ever really been in love with me before. I have never heard such a claim anyway. Feel the same way as I do. Please don't leave me empty on this one.

I thought that I was alone from now on. And then I got that picture, and everything changed. Somewhere between swirls of color and almost forgotten visions, I found you all over again. I remember now. I won't turn back this time. Please find the trust, to face me one last time.

Another Rainy Winters Day

novacancy69@aol.com — Tue, 19 Feb 2002 20:34:26 GMT

I help so many people with their little problems, that at times I forget that I have my own. I hate realizing how hard and repetitive my life can be. I want to run away and never have to deal with any of this bullshit that consumes me. I have no time to be pretty or elaborate today. I don't even have time to think in clear messages. Someone unload on me; give me every single heartache and stress that you have and make me ache with it as well. Anything is better than cross-examining myself.

I am going to bed early tonight, so that I can wake up and help her when she gets back, at 1 tonight. I will see you all then, and help all of you who I promised.

Forgive Me For I Have No Inspiration

novacancy69@aol.com — Tue, 19 Feb 2002 02:06:54 GMT

It was so easy to watch those clothes slide off you. Pulling them down and away as your body gave way there, shimmery shiny in the glow of aftermath. How long has it been since I tasted that sea salty sweat dripping down sun dried lips? my hands learned over and over a pattern of your flesh, a place that no one had tainted before with their own filthy lust. Memorizing each inch...fast forward, rewind, let's do that one more time.

I want the embrace, the power, the voice in my ear. Whispering, lulling, serenading me to compliance. Belly side down, licentious side up, I have nothing left to surrender.

__Long Since Deflowered__